The two quintessential firings of the past two seasons should host an ESPN special on this. Think of the ratings!
Alright it’s time for the annual HAWT SEET list for 2016. I am sure there are about twenty or so of these lists out there already. I will toot my horn this time around by saying I had a pretty good list last season (the top four on my list were shitcanned). I would say I am hoping for the same kind of success this time around but that thought is a bit morbid don’t you think? Alright, let’s begin and remember, this list is in order of the probability of them getting fired (at least in my mind):
Almost Guaranteed Shitcanning
- Darrell Hazell (Purdue) – I can’t foresee any possible way that Hazell keeps his job through the end of the season. It’s not like the Boilermakers are going to be competing in the Big Ten West this season. Needed to keep his job – bowl eligibility. Prediction – 3 wins and a mediocre severance package.
- Mark Stoops (Kentucky) – This guy is in a pretty unenviable position. No, I’m not talking about having the last name Stoops when Big Game Bob is your brother. I’m talking about coaching in the SEC if you’re program isn’t better than mediocre. And even then it’s a tough go. If anyone thinks the Cats will make some hay this season, I will buy some cheap swampland and offer it to you at an insane profit…for me. Needed to keep his job – bowl eligibility (at the very least). Prediction – same as the last two years; 5 wins and a bowlful of frustration. Oh, and a chance to be his brother’s O-line coach next year.
- Tim DeRuyter (Fresno State) – In his first year in Fresno, he was considered a great coach. Problem was, very few of the players were recruited by him. Now that the team has his fingerprints all over it, we can see that maybe DeRuyter maxed out in a coordinator role. Needed to keep his job – any semblance of improvement. Prediction – 2 wins and taking the worst Mountain West team title from Hawaii and an after-the-season firing.
- Paul Haynes (Kent State) – Now here’s a guy who got himself into a horrible situation replacing the aforementioned Hazell at KSU. Did anyone honestly think a program that had one great season in the past 40 years would duplicate the feat? Poor guy but I think he knows what’s coming. Needed to keep his job – Lightning in a bottle. Prediction – Sadness and hopefully an FCS coordinator’s job.
- Gus Malzahn (Auburn) – It kind of pains me to put the driver of the Gus Bus here but the Tiger faithful are getting a little restless, especially with their cross-state rivals in Tuscaloosa continuing to be, arguably, the best program in the nation. Needed to keep his job – at least 8 wins. Prediction – Auburn will poach the hottest Group of Five coach in December.
- Charlie Strong (Texas) – This whole Fire Charlie rhetoric has been beaten to death. Saying that, at some point he has to deliver. Texas cannot continue to be a middle-of-the-road Power Five team. Otherwise how else will the Pac-12 or Big Ten get them to join and feel good about it? Needed to keep his job – 8 wins and for him to wear that golden cowboy hat all season. Prediction – 6 wins and first shot at a good Group of Five opening.
- Craig Bohl (Wyoming) – Now here’s a guy who would like nothing more than to rewind a few seasons and be back in Fargo being a legend. Instead, he has almost nothing to show for his time in Laramie. Sad, really. Needed to keep his job – 5 wins and at least have a chance to go to a bowl during November. Prediction – 3 wins and a ticket out of town.
- Ron Turner (FIU) – How does this guy keep getting head coaching gigs? He must take massive pay cuts to do so since I don’t see it. He has been borderline awful everywhere he’s gone. FIU is no different. Needed to keep his job – bowl eligibility. Prediction – 4 wins and should be fired if FIU knows what’s good for its program.
- Chris Creighton (Eastern Michigan) – Nothing against Creighton who did some great things at lower-division schools. I just think EMU is such a terrible, poorly-run college football program that it would take a miracle worker to string together even two winning seasons in a row. Good luck to the next guy. Needed to keep his job – 3 wins? Who really knows. Prediction – A winless season. He may just quit during the year.
- Doug Martin (New Mexico State) – Speaking of guys who probably have no real right to even get FBS jobs, we come to Doug Martin who did sweet fuck all at Kent State so he gets a job in Las Cruces. Probably because no one wanted to go there. Needed to keep his job – 4 wins at the very least. Prediction – 1 win and no one will know he was fired until someone does one of those coaching carousel updates sometime in the spring.
- Kevin Sumlin (Texas A&M) – Here’s another tough one to put on this list. Ever since Johnny Party left town, the Aggies have been just…OK. Nothing special but enough to get to a decent bowl game. They seem to have stalled and need something to get them going again. That something might be a new coach. Needed to keep his job – 7 wins with at least one over a top 20 team. Prediction – 6 wins and a very tough decision to be made by the athletic director over Sumlin’s future.
- David Beaty (Kansas) – You think they would fire this guy before he won a single game for the Jayhawks? No…but it may end up being close. Needed to keep his job – Surpass Iowa State and get out of the Big XII basement. Prediction – 1 win and perhaps a call to Mark Mangino.
- Steve Addazio (Boston College) – There is no way to go but up for BC’s offense. That was painful to watch last season. They will be better. How much better is the question. Needed to keep his job – Score at least 15 points a game and look like you may go to a bowl game. Prediction – 5 wins and some obvious improvement on offense.
- Paul Johnson (Georgia Tech) – One bad year and many are calling for Johnson’s head. Then again, it was a bad year. If it wasn’t for Boston College, Tech would have stood out as the massive disappointment of the ACC. I’m sure they will bounce back. Needed to keep his job – bowl eligibility. Prediction – 6 wins and at least another year on the job.
- Charlie Partridge (Florida Atlantic) – Taking over for a Pelini is never easy, no matter the situation. Florida Atlantic isn’t the most exotic job but Partridge is bringing the program along slowly which is probably the best way to do things. Needed to keep his job – 5 wins and some meaningful November football. Prediction – 5 wins and some meaningful November football.
- Paul Petrino (Idaho) – The other Petrino. Yes Paul is in the remote outpost of Moscow…Idaho. Yes it is not easy to win games when you’re the head coach at Idaho. Just ask every former coach at Idaho. But I truly believe Paul will have his Vandals playing much better this season. No I’m not drunk. Needed to keep his job – stay competitive and out of the Sun Belt basement. Prediction – 6 freakin’ wins and a bowl game!
- Dave Clawson (Wake Forest) – Another guy with a very difficult job: to win football games in Winston-Salem. This is the year though. I can feel it. Or at least predict it. Watch the Deacs lose 11 and make me look like an idiot. Needed to keep his job – 4 wins and look competitive inside the ACC. Prediction – 6 wins and a bowl berth.
Next up will be my Heisman ballot. This will prove I should never get a chance to vote for the Heisman. Ever. The fact they give me the opportunity to vote for political leaders is bad enough.
We are 17 days away from the first FBS game of the season!!!! Or 23 for you non-specialty pack readers. Still…home stretch!!!!