The Super Bore Recap

superbowl 50

Good lord that was sloppy. Super Bore is the perfect name for that game.  It’s too bad considering the storylines coming in to it.  Let’s begin the recap shall we?  I will go over some tweets I did and saw (my Twitter handle is @LikeABauce1978) and go through the game with the help of them.

Betty White – She resurrected the dab and made it appropriate for white people to do it all in two seconds.  I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.

Phil SEEMS – To pair a guy like Jim Nantz with this tool is something that bugs me about sports broadcasting in general (and something I have touched on before): why can’t they have two good guys in the booth?  I just don’t understand it.

The MVPs – It was kind of cool seeing all the living Super Bowl MVPs there despite the fact it made the opening ceremonies start approaching Olympic-length.  I am also sure the NFL is VERY happy that neither O.J. Simpson nor Aaron Hernandez were Super Bowl MVPs.

Tom gets no respect – Poor Tom Brady.  Getting no respect from the fans.  The only Super Bowl MVP booed.  Wait I take that back.  It’s not poor Tom Brady.  He’s got it all.  Kind of a shame he gets the reactions he gets but he has put some of that on himself.

Peyton likes Gatorade – It would have been better if they announced Peyton’s previous Super Bowl MVP award and cut to a camera shot of him in the can taking a pre-game dump.

The first Broncos drive should have been a harbinger for things to come – Hindsight being 20-20 we should have seen how craptastic the Super Bowl was going to be after the Broncos first drive stalled and Brandon McManus had to hit the field goal instead.  If there was a tagline that would have been attached to this game it should have been Stalled Drives.

OK we get it Jim – Did Nantz get some sort of kickback for every time he promoted the halftime show?  He was talking about it at the 7 minute mark of the first quarter.  It was ridiculous.

Helen Mirren – If you didn’t get the opportunity to see the Helen Mirren commercial on drunk drivers do so.  It was fantasic.  Her telling drunk drivers they are basically pieces of shit was awesome (in her own British way).

The Mike Carey Curse – Man this guy is officiating kryptonite.  Even when he gets it right (according to most), the officials go in the opposite direction.  For example, the first Carolina challenge should have been successful.  It was a catch.  But the booth said there was not enough evidence to overturn.  I don’t know what they were looking at but that was their call.  Carey had (as far as most of us could tell, correctly) said it should be overturned and called a catch.  The refs did not concur.  Poor Mike.

Where was this Cam all season? – Is what most teams were asking.  He was pretty bad.  It was punctuated on two plays.  First, the fumble thanks to Von Miller’s strip sack on him that was recovered for a Broncos touchdown.  And second, when he fumbled late and looked like he quit on the play and didn’t dive for the ball.  Two plays that, during the season, seemed like ones that would never happen.  He just seemed off.  Who knows why.  Not saying the Broncos’ D wasn’t good (because it was awesome) but Cam just wasn’t Cam.  Frustrating if you’re a Panthers fan (or a Panthers’ bandwagon jumper).

Aqib Talib – The only guy among the Broncos defense that didn’t have a good game was this guy.  If Commissioner Gingerhammer’s two-strikes-and-you’re-out rule had been in effect (two personal fouls and you’re ejected), Talib would have been gone pretty damn early.  I’m surprised he played this poorly but it was arguably the only thing that kept the Panthers in the game offensively.

Kony 2012…plus four – Talk about a coming out party.  No I’m not talking about various members of the Denver defense.  I am talking about Kony Ealy who burst onto the national scene with his performance in a losing cause.  He was the Panther defense for a good part of the night.  If Carolina had somehow won the thing, he would have easily taken home the MVP trophy.  He was that dominating.

Oh that halftime show – It was great.  Except for the part when the white guys were involved.  That part wasn’t that good.  Honestly, why do they keep putting acts on that really have no reason to be there.  I’m sure at least one member of Coldplay wondered why the FA Cup final was being played in San Francisco.  Also, they aren’t the type of musical act to get fans to stay hyped during a long halftime.  Beyonce and Bruno Mars are the types of acts they want.  They should always go back and look at Michael Jackson and see how a show should be done.  Or the Justin Timberlake one.  Finally, if Beyonce had had a wardrobe malfunction it would have been the greatest halftime show in the history of ever.

But let’s look at the positives – I went to the 1996 Grey Cup in Hamilton.  The game most people know for three things: 1) the crazy amount of snow (hence the nickname the Snow Bowl), 2) the insane catch by Downtown Eddie Brown and 3) the late Doug Flutie fumble controversy that propelled the then-hated Argos to victory.  Lost in all this was the fact that the halftime show at that event was The Nylons.  Yes, The Nylons.  And not, for you How I Met Your Mother fans, Robin Daggers.  So yeah, maybe this wasn’t so bad after all.

Does Ted Ginn (n Juice) hate contact THAT much? – He looked like he was petrified every time a defender got within three yards of him.  It’s actually quite surprising but underlies the fact that he will never be more than a #3 receiver and that’s probably the big reason.  It’s sad because he has so much speed.

Wade Phillips – To be honest, if they could have, the MVP should have gone to Phillips.  The guy did a masterful job with the Broncos defense all season but especially in the playoffs.  He is a classic case of excellent coordinator but mediocre-to-bad head coach.

Super Bowl Babies – Who in the holy fuck gave the greenlight for that ad campaign?  “Hey guys, let’s talk about fans of the winning team fucking each others’ brains out after the game and making babies.”  It was creepy and ridiculous.  This NFL Family advertising thing has to end and yesterday.

Marshawn Lynch – It looks like he won’t be getting fined anymore.  In the third quarter, he sent out a cryptic tweet with his shoes tied up on a wire and a peace sign emoji which seemed to signal he was done.  Richard Sherman tweeted about it being an honour to have played on the same field as him so it looks like we have seen the last of Beast Mode.  Frustrating but entertaining all the time.

Eli’s reaction – Good lord that was comedy gold.  Eli’s reaction to the Broncos essentially clinching the win was good.  His reaction compared to everyone else in that box was priceless.  He looked like he saw a ghost.  Basically, now he can’t be the family favourite anymore in any way since Peyton is either the same or better than him at EVERYTHING (except beating the Patriots more often than losing to them).

Somebody is gonna get paid – And that somebody is Von Miller.  Man what a game he had.  And he becomes a free agent.  He should get big bucks.  My guess is he will be the highest paid defensive player by the time the Hall of Fame Game comes around in the summer.

Peyton ain’t goin’ to no Disneyworld – He’s gonna get shitfaced with a whole batch of motherfucking BUDWEISER!!!!  That guy is marketing gold.  It’s amazing how a guy who looks like he has zero personality and a brother who looks like his IQ might start with a 6 could be such an amazing sports marketer.  The guy’s a genius and so smooth with throwing in little verbal cues to all his sponsors.  The hug and kiss with the Papa John’s guy was probably the icing on the marketing cake (although it was a bit odd).

And that’s all there is folks. Denver wins 24-10 in a rather mediocre game.  The end of another football season.  Other than the NFL draft there is almost nothing to keep us occupied until the summer.  This means that someone, somewhere, must do something stupid to garner some news for the Shield since they almost don’t seem to care whether the news is good or bad.

I plan on doing my first crack at the NFL Draft in the next week (now that I know the exact order). Tennessee…you are now on the clock.


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